I don't like hibachi

Hibachi has a lot of problems:

• Most hibachi places across the entire world, the chefs do the same schtick. Onion volcano, rice heart, egg toss, "free" shrimp, sake or water squirt bottle, throwing vegetables for you to catch in your mouth. Once you've seen this schtick once, you've seen everything that 90% of hibachi places have to offer.
• It's often slow, especially if you have to wait for a chef
• The meals cooked are extremely simple, and not healthy. Basically just some form of meat and pre-prepared rice which the chef douses in oil, butter, and soy sauce. I leave feeling oily and gross.
• The sticky smell. Since they're cooking right in front of you and it's splattery/smoky/steamy, hibachi always makes me smell like fried rice, and the smell embeds itself into my clothes.
• My number one problem: it's super difficult to go with a group and have any real conversation because of both the layout and the noise. Beyond three people (sitting at the corner) and people are guaranteed to wind up awkwardly far from each other, plus you're talking over sizzling sounds.
• While not important to me now, when I was younger I felt super shy and uncomfortable sitting with strangers. Either you don't talk to the other groups and it's a little awkward, or one group awkwardly tries to force a conversation with the other group. It's super rare to start chatting and get along.

I'm not totally a hater, I get that it can be a fun experience once in a while.... but overall, it would never be my first choice.