Does anyone else have this impression.

I am around 1 month and half clean (i didn't really counted)

And i feel like every time i hold my frustrations and urges of sh it open a tiny breach that will be used for the next urge to have one more "good reason" (no good reason exists for things like that, just just some that seems legit for the voice in my head to convince me to vice)

And it's like when i do it i think again about the other times i wanted to do it but not.

Also i just failed my driving license and i'm too poor to try it again so that's why i'm feeling low, fed up with being poor and unmotivated.

I'm 18 years old and I've never been to school so i also feel so numb and i don't understand why everyone around me (not me oc) thinks i'm smart, I have 134 iq but means nothing to me i still feel like the worse of idiots.