Sick of being wanted by men for my body.

I know men are visual creatures, that they like beautiful, sexy women. But I have more to offer than just looks. I'm not trying to brag, but I often feel like that's all they see in me, especially since I'm well-endowed. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being treated this way.

I used to accept so much disrespect from a guy I was stupid enough to think actually liked me for who I am, but in the end, he only wanted my body. He was my classmate. He added me on social media right after the first time we met. It was swimming class. Maybe I smiled at him too much, that's why I caught his eye, because we barely interacted.

It was the first time in four years that I entertained a guy again. Yes, since high school I didn't entertain anyone. I was wrong about him. I was blinded by the red flags because he treated me well at first. He called me precious. He said I was different from other girls. So kind, so demure. He was a gentleman to me at first.

But the way he treated me a few months later made me feel worthless. It started with him asking for innocent selfies. I was wearing a nightie with a slightly low-cut top, and I didn't realize that the line of my cleavage was showing. Barely, I mean, my face was the focus of the picture. But that's where his eyes zoomed in. He called me hot for the first time, and I knew why. "You're so hot here, not just cute." He unsent it when he realized what he said, but I already saw it.

Then it leveled up to mirror shots. That's when I realized that men ask for mirror pictures to try and see more of your body. He asked me to see me in my sleepwear. I was hugging my teddy bear, and he asked for one without the stuffed toy. Then there were comments about my body. That my body was just right, that I was fit even though I didn't diet. Maybe that's what he noticed during swimming class. He was asking for more and more pictures every night. He said my cleavage was for his eyes only. I wanted cuddles. He wanted my body.

Then, for the first time, he steered the conversation into a sexual topic. They were talking about vulgar things in our block's group chat, and he was one of those chatting. He was talking to me at the same time. Then it got to him asking if I had a wild side. I admitted that I rarely watched porn. He was amused by the word "rarely," then he asked what I did when I watched. If I fingered myself while watching. I told him I was scared to do that. He said he was turned on by what we were talking about. I let it go because I liked him.

I let it go because I was getting in the mood too. I admit I wanted it too. He told me that I'd probably look good in a bikini. He wanted to see me wearing only a bra and panties. For his eyes only, he said. Then he wanted to get a glimpse of my nipples, then he wanted me to take it all off. Then he wanted to see me pleasuring myself. I showed him a video of me rubbing myself through my shorts, then my panties. He said my moans were so good. That the area seemed so smooth, that he wanted to put his dick inside me, that he wanted me to sit on him. I didn't want to pull my panties down. But he kept pushing and pushing because he said he was "so hard" and he felt like he was "about to cum," even if I just covered it with an emoji, that I should just remove one finger at a time until I finally showed him.

From there, he started asking for all sorts of videos. Videos of me touching my boobs, videos of me moaning his name, videos of me rubbing and fingering myself, videos of me riding my pillow. I complied with his requests even though I was uncomfortable fingering myself. I really couldn't insert my finger because it hurt, and yet he acted disappointed when I didn't even try. I don't know why he had some kind of power over me. I don't know why I let him do it.

Even when I wasn't trying to talk about something sexual, he would steer the conversation into a dirty topic. He would say that I looked cute earlier and my clothes suited me, then ask for pictures, then suddenly the tone of the conversation would change. We just came from recollection (we study in a Catholic university), then he chatted that white suited me. Then we ended up sexting again. His comments became more shameless. He said I was getting a little thicker. That my boobs were getting bigger. Then he would pretend to be shy about it in a sleazy way. He also kept inviting me to come to his house when we had long vacant periods, but it never happened.

Eventually, he asked me out again (just to eat), but I said no because I had a prior commitment. A week later, he admitted that he had planned to get me to suck his dick. "If you wanted to," he said. Then he asked me if I would agree. Then he wanted to put it inside me because he said it would be "better," but I might start to "crave it." He knew I was a virgin, he knew I was saving it for marriage, but he still pushed it. He asked me what if he just fingered me, then what if he just rubbed it against me but didn't put it in, then what if he just put in the tip, then he told me not to stop him, that I should just let whatever happens happen because I might like it too.

I was scared at this point. I didn't want to go to his apartment because I knew he would push my boundaries to see how far he could get with me. Even though I agreed to sext with him, it didn't mean I wanted to do the deed with him.

Then we broke up because he didn't tell me that he had a girlfriend behind my back. I guess what I was giving him wasn't enough, and he wanted the real thing. He said he wouldn't spread the things I sent him, and he wouldn't let me get ruined. "I know how precious you are," he said. I asked him, "If I'm precious, why did you have another girl?" But what I really wanted to ask him was, "If I'm precious, why did it feel like you only wanted my body?"

I'm tired of being used and only wanted for my body. He claimed to be a man of God and a "date to marry" guy when he was still getting to know me. But the man sent to you by God will not use you to feed his lust. He will not cause you to commit sexual sin. He will not push your boundaries to see how far you will go and how close he can get without crossing the line.

(Yes, I know I was also wrong for entertaining the sexual conversations. I don't need anyone to chastise me for it because I regret it every day. Every day, I'm scared that maybe he isn't the man I thought he was, and maybe he'll spread the videos to his friends. I know I was wrong for sending them in the first place, but I trusted him.)