Zelensky Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize for Not Choking JD Vance

Oslo, Norway – The Nobel Peace Prize Committee announced today that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has been shortlisted for the 2025 prize due to his remarkable demonstration of nonviolence, by refraining from physically assaulting U.S. Vice President JD Vance during a tense Oval Office meeting.

“In a world increasingly devoid of restraint, President Zelensky’s ability to not leap across the Resolute Desk and put Mr. Vance in a headlock is a triumph for peace,” read the official statement from the Committee. “We are inspired by his Gandhi-like patience in the face of condescension.”

The now-infamous meeting, which started as a discussion on diplomacy and minerals, reportedly spiraled into a passive-aggressive lecture from Vance, who suggested that Ukraine’s ongoing war effort was a sign of poor decision-making rather than, say, an unavoidable invasion by a nuclear-armed neighbor. Witnesses say Zelensky’s eye twitched only slightly before he took a deep breath, presumably counted to ten, and refrained from testing whether his military training would allow him to suplex the Vice President through the nearest coffee table.

Political analysts have lauded Zelensky’s ability to remain seated while being told he should be “grateful” for Trump’s peace efforts, especially given that these efforts primarily involve demanding Ukraine surrender and suggesting Russia would be “a great trading partner” under new management.

Reached for comment, President Zelensky humbly downplayed his nomination. “I was merely exercising self-control,” he said. “Also, I didn't want to get tackled by Secret Service.”

Vice President Vance, meanwhile, dismissed the honor as “globalist nonsense,” stating, “If Zelensky truly wanted peace, he would have thanked me for my advice, and maybe even given me one of those cool military jackets he wears.”

The Nobel Peace Prize Committee is expected to announce the winner later this year. Other contenders reportedly include an 8 year old from Finland who shared his lunch with a classmate and the Dalai Lama, who did not respond to China’s latest threats with an MMA challenge.