I wish I spoke up when this happened

I would like to start by saying this incident caused me to have A LOT of communication issues in my subsequent lab positions. Fortunately I have been self aware in my improving communication and understanding the depth of this situation and would like to share my story.

I wish I spoke up when this happened

23F now, from 19-20 I worked as an RA in my undergrad lab. We shared lab space with another lab who had a lab manager (we’ll call him L) who was 25-26. Now at the time I was a little stubborn in the way I dressed/ did my makeup since I felt like I needed to make a statement as a “baddie in stem”. Now this included wearing crop tops and heavy eye makeup to lab/class in a style similar to Euphoria’s Alexa demie. As I got older my clothing is much more age/lab appropriate but my makeup stays the same. It’s like my armor.

Well at the same time my labmates (blended group of masters students/undergrads of both genders and many ethnic backgrounds) would of course roast me sometimes on the way I dressed and honestly from them it didn’t entirely come from a mean or judgmental place (my younger lab mate made a comment once that I didn’t -look- like I was supposed to be in lab once but she liked that I expressed myself) because my lab was undergrad based and we also had some classes outside of lab together. I thought this was the same case with L.

L started becoming more friendly with me and my lab mates around summer 2021 and met my ex on an after lab dinner. As I became friends with L myself he would make comments on how he didn’t think my ex was the “right guy” for me. L wasn’t having the best time getting a gf as he would tell us about his failed dates. I didn’t think much of him other than being a regular guy who was down bad. He had this reputation with my lab mates too with my older mate (23M) calling L creepy. No I didn’t fully see why at the time and I wish I did.

Fast forward to November, my ex and I break up when I got into graduate school. The morning after I saw L at work (we both got to lab at 7 a.m.) and broke the news to him as I was emotional and he was literally the first person who I saw after my breakup. He hugged me tightly and said if I needed anything to let him know. As the weeks went on he started acting more flirty towards me and during one conversation he was telling me how good in bed he was and after I responded in a way that doubted him he then made a comment that “I should find out”. In the next few days he spent more time with me in lab outside of experiments and I honestly started seeing L as cute and quirky. I also thought he was misunderstood since he didn’t have his degree yet and everyone else (including me as of Dec 2021) had their degrees.

So we got Ice cream one night and I invited him to my apartment to watch a movie. Looking back I wish I knew better and said no when he pulled me on top of him but my thought process was “well I’m going to grad school anyway, when in Rome right?”. So we did it.

At lab the next day we got lunch and he basically encouraged us to be exclusive while I prep to move away for grad school that next month. In the next month I felt odd having a “relationship” with someone that I worked next to (we never worked together). He would come to my apartment after work some days and we’d do it. At one point he wanted to presume a relationship but even I questioned it since he didn’t text me everyday and only really gave me attention at work or when we got back to my apartment together. What kind of messed me up is that he basically told me people are going to continue to sexualize me for the way I look and act in my field and my lab mates did it too. How could I have accused my friends of sexualizing me? I kept quiet. We also hung out with another lab manager (28F lets call her M) who knew about the relationship and encouraged it, saying she felt like she was living through me when I would tell her what’s going on.

As my own labmates caught on, they became a little more protective of me and actively discouraged it. I wished I listened. I thought L was misunderstood and that everyone was speaking against it since they sexualized me too.

Well I went to grad school two weeks later, L promised to visit me when I settled in but that never happened although he called me once to say that he loves me. L and M eventually hooked up.