left out and fucked up.

Let me put it this way. I am a freshman going into a Catholic highschool, previously doing homeschooling (for the past 3 years.) I struggled with homeschooling, I did, I fought with my mom and I was slightly suicidal then, but nothing compared to now. (I’m not sure about that last statement.) I left the comfort of my depressing but still nice homeschool haven to try and branch out, make new friends, have fun. It has been NOTHING but fun, and I cry so much because of all of this. Everyone at this school knows eachother, of course they would, there are 30 kids here. They all have known eachother from birth, and I am not joking that they all some kind of connection or bond with eachother. ALL, of them. I am one of maybe two other freshmen who are new. It hurts seeing the new boys accepted warmly into their groups, whereas the cliques do not even bother to accept me, a stupid freshman girl. The other freshmen girls also all know eachother. I am all alone, and gosh is it depressing. Sometimes I talk to the boys during lunch, but they avoid me any other time, I have cooties I guess. There’s a nice senior, but even he has his own friends, and that’s not his fault. He will be leaving this year anyway, which adds to the mess. I am having a freshman spread lies too, I think, after she got jealous with me talking to another boy, and I am tired of it. I have tried becoming friends here, and I think I’m being friendly, but they literally don’t care for me. At basketball games no one, and I mean NO one, acknowledges my existence. I want to cry alone thinking about the time where I said hi to a junior, and he just gave me a side eye glare. I have tried to join sports, but I joined too late and lost my spot. The kids all have younger siblings that will be joining next year, at least seven to be exact. I feel like people just birth more kids to add to the schools population. I’ve said this a lot but it’s depressing, and I’m probably overreacting but I don’t care. These kids mostly arent jerks, they’re decent kids, but they just don’t care for me. They like to gossip, the girls, which is quite different from what the priest will always mention, not to do. I’m a sinner too though so I guess I shouldn’t judge. Sad too with the thought that I am fucked. I am most definitely fucked. If I go back to homeschooling, tail between my legs like a coward, I will go back to fighting with my mother and longing for friends. (Though I would rather have no friends than be left out.) if I return to this school next September, it could be the same exact situation as this year. There’s always a chance that it won’t be, but it’s too much for me. If I go back I’ll be stuck there for another long year, another grueling year. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be stuck in either situation. The only thing that could change would be to make an actual genuine friend. Not one that barely listens to me. I know a lot of people have had bad freshman year experience too- but I don’t know if I can take it with all of this connections thing, how they all know eachother. I don’t know what I’m looking for, sympathy, empathy, probably advice. I’m just so done with it all and I’ve just come back from crying again. I want to be apart of this community, it looks so nice, but I just can’t. I might be overreacting and if I am I’m sorry, just had to put this out here. Thank you and goodnight/day.