I need advice, or maybe just a different perspective

I've accepted that my mom made mistakes with me (eldest child) that she has somewhat recognized and taken responsibility for in regards to my younger sisters. I also believe that she has made, from what I've seen, a microscopic move in the right direction, and all entirely at her own comfort level.

She hurts when I see her, and when I'm distant at family functions. I can see it in her eyes, however fine she decides to pretend things are. I'm not having arguments anymore, no more blowups. I don't want that for myself, and I don't think it would really do much for her.

I see her patterns in the way I live. Defensiveness. No real friendships or external relationships, and raging insecurity. I am selfish, and self-absorbed, and ashamed of it. I feel so horrible being so mistrustful and so angry with her, still, but I have no reason to believe she would change even if I found the perfect way to phrase everything.

I am tired, and I don't love her enough to pretend I'm not. I can't recognize, right now, what parts of me are motivated by trying to do what's best for myself, and what parts of myself are just angry and tired and none too concerned with who I hurt in my isolation and silence.

I'm in therapy. I've had a bad weekend with the holiday. I feel more empty, and lonely, and unlovable than I have in months, and I don't know what to do, right now, to help ease that pain... I feel so much shame.