I hardly exist

I get convinced to go places out of being told it’s rude if I don’t go, but everyone would prefer if I did not go. I don’t talk to anyone, all I end up doing is reading my kindle or reading nyt on my phone. but I am the Asshole if I don’t want to go. And if someone does talk to me we both have to pretend as if anything we are saying actually matters. I don’t have friends or people I talk to at this point I rather just be left alone. I hate having to get ready to go somewhere looking in the mirror and feeling sick at the ugly fuck looking back at me. I just want to rot alone in peace. I feel like when I go somewhere i am the monster freak of the place I at. And at the same time I feel like I am not really there everyone is talking and laughing and I am just like a ghost waiting for my time to leave. Sorry for the long ramble