My whole personality is intentionally fake and only one person knows who I really am.

For my first few years of life, I was never liked. Eventually I realized my personality is the problem. Nobody likes quiet kids. So, I started putting up a mask of being extroverted and silly, even though I was drained after every interaction. My family at that point got the real me. Then, I found out that they hate the real me too. I created another mask for them. I was a good, rule abiding, extroverted cishet kid.

In 6th grade, I turned up the mask around other kids and tried to be a "class clown." I was careful to not get in trouble but it got me more friends. Even though it was deceiving them, I did it anyways. I only revealed myself to one friend I got during that time. She's the only person who knows who I truly am. Out of all eight billion people, she's the only one I don't fake myself around. But I'm rarely alone with her, as she's a popular kid, so I always have to keep up the mask.

I can't drop it now. I'm too far deep. I'm too different from all my friends to do that as well. They're all chaotic and extroverted, but I'm not, I fake I am. And my family are all homophobic, transphobic, and have high expectations for me since I'm a "smart" or "gifted" kid. I'm not really that smart. The only reason I'm in an advanced class is because I cheated. I didn't even know how to do long division or factors in 5th grade because of it. I'm too far deep in all my various walls and masks to reveal myself to anyone but that friend. And I'm only now feeling the consequences. I feel trapped by just existing. I dread social interaction. Smiles hurt. I don't know how to get myself out of this. I'm a mess.

Coming clean to friends isn't a option. One left for a week and I was more of a mess than I am now, and I'm in a way worse mental state now than I was then. The result could be life destroying for me (and considering I've been having those thoughts often now, it would just step up to the worse version of those thoughts. I'm not going to say the words but I hope you know what I mean). I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Just pause time so I don't have to deal with this all. I can't take it anymore and I'm losing motivation to even get up in the morning. And I can't get any mental help because of my state's stupid laws and my mom going NC for no reason (I'm too young to get mental health unless all guardians agree to it, and my mom is listed as a guardian since she was present when I was 0-5 and slowly started disappearing until going NC this April).

I just needed to vent. Even though I tell that friend everything, I don't want to burden her now. She's having issues of her own and I don't want her to worry about me. So Reddit is my only option. Thanks for reading.