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An explosion rocks the courtroom and it begins to fill with thick, sight-obscuring smoke. The military-kitted police form up around Luigi and are immediately overwhelmed by a series of flashbangs. The fourth and last to fall lets out a couple impotent shots from his sidearm as he collapses, unconscious.

Stunned and overwhelmed, Luigi can barely make out the two swole silhouettes that move deftly through the smoke, pick him up on either side, and rapidly evacuate him from the building into a bus. Out of the smoke and his shock fading, Luigi can finally recognize the parasocially-familiar faces of Logan and Jake Paul.

“‘Sup, Logang?!!” Logan shouts into a phone he’s using to record himself, “We just busted Luigi out of his trial and now we’re about to explain the rules! Make sure to SMASH that like button on the live-stream and I know I don’t need to tell you to subscribe, because you already are!”

Jake puts an arm around Luigi and faces them both towards the camera as Logan adjusts it to pull them into the selfie-frame.

“LUU-IGI! We just live-streamed busting you out of prison and we’re not done!-”

“Fuck you, Dana White!” Jake interrupts, “You shoulda fuckin paid us, man!” Logan purses his lips, performatively annoyed, and holds up a fist to silence him.

“We’re here on the Cool Bus headed to a billionaire’s mansion that we will disclose when we get there. Luigi, here’s how the game works: we’ve got a variety of weapons and tools to use on this home invasion. The Logang is gonna vote and fill different crypto-donation goals that determine what equipment and objectives you carry into each round, but your main objective will always be the same. Kill the owners of the mansion and make it yours.”

“We’re on the road to Puerto Rican independence, baby!!! Woooooo!!!” chimes Jake.

“So Luigi, whaddaya say?” Logan moves the phone in to close-up on Mangione’s face, “Are you ready to play Luigi’s Mansion!!??”

Luigi smiles a somehow hotter smile than he gave that barista in the perp-photo. “LETSA GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"