I don't, I can't. HOW DO YOU WORDS

I hate how much I feel like I can't properly express myself in anyway with speaking being no exception. I just feel like I can't get out what I need to. I can say things that sound right I guess but i just feel worse than when I started, It feels like I'm so close to being relieved of what's on my mind, but it just never leaves.

And that was just leading into me being frustrated about that very thing with what I'm about to talk about. There's no super specific topic I'm going after, so bare with me if things take weird turns, this is likely just going to be me thinking aloud effectively.

I don't know what to do. I hate that I can't let myself do something good for me. There's a girl I want to ask out but I've spent so much time worrying or planning or thinking about what I should do, whatever. I had a mild plan today that one of my friends was going to talk to her, but they had to go home sick today so it never happened. Of course I don't blame them, I'm just so horribly impatient. For things like this I'm not sure it's impatience, so much as it's me not wanting to keep feeling like this, feeling anxious.

I know it's simple and easy to just say "just ask her out" but I can't. It feels like my brain tries to sabotage me with anything remotely related to romance. I end up second guessing when someone tells me they like me. I struggle to say anything to begin with. It feels like I'm afraid, or rather terrified of a relationship because of something in my past but I don't know it.

I know that I can't blame my past for everything. And I know I'm introverted with social anxiety, so it's going to be difficult to an extent already. But this feels excessive. I don't think introvert and social anxiety would cause me to think "does she actually like me" right after a girl tells me she does. It's so frustrating.

And I hate that so many things with social situations can't have just straight simple answers. I like straight simple answers. I like science because things have strict distinct answers. I don't like complex literature, I can't analyze it. I don't see "oh they're communicating this through that" I see, they said these words, they mean these words. So when it comes to social situations, I struggle horribly because I can't get solid straight answers. When I ask people how I should go about asking this girl out, some people say not to do it because we're in senior year. Some people say to spend a long time becoming her best friend first. Some people say to just go for it, ask her out. People have opinions. Those opinions are how society works. I don't like not having answers. I just want an answer, what's the best choice. It's not so much, what will her answer be, because science requires experimentation, but in science they still easily have a distinct 'correct' plan. I don't. I just need someone to make my social decisions for me. Even though I would still complain and say, oh what if this is better. Oh what if this happens. OH WHY DO I WASTE MY LIFE ASKING WHAT IF QUESTIONS THAT ONLY DEPRESS ME AND SLOW ME DOWN.

I just want to cry. But I know I won't because my father forced into my brain that I'm not aloud to cry. So now I suppress any tears that form. And as the night goes on I become more and more a different person. Like I think right now, okay, I'll just ask her out tomorrow, simple easy, get an answer, get it done. But I know that tomorrow I won't feel that way. I'll be terrified and start worrying again.

Going back to my friend that was supposed to talk to her today. I don't want to be pushy or impatient but I am impatient because of how this is making me feel. So I don't want to be pushy and make her feel bad, but I also just want her to talk to the girl. So I don't want to just talk to her myself if I don't have to or if it's a poor choice. But I don't know what the correct choice is. I just want some goddamn concrete answers for social things. How does everyone else deal so easily with going through life.

And what do I do. Do I talk to the girl myself and just get it over with? Do I wait for my friend to talk to her because that's a better choice? Do I just try to become friends with her first? I feel like I want to just rip my heart and brains out. You know what, and my stomach to because those are the three places that I'm really struggling.

I'm sure this seems stupid to some, but I am genuinely terrified about social things.