Starting to picture life w/o a baby?

I’ve always pictured having a child. My husband and I have tried for 15 cycles and are older, I have one blocked tube. I know some people try for many years but after over a year of infertility I just don’t think I can do that. I really wish I could just know if it was going to happen or not for us. Of course the irony is I was one of those ppl who was so convinced I was fertile and took every precaution until I was married.

Since I can’t know at this point, and I think I probably have 1-2 more years of trying in me, I’ve been thinking about my life “either way.” I just want to have a good life either way, and I don’t want to build a life that feels dependent on having a kid.

I think the worst part about where we live is that it’s very family focused and I worry if we don’t live that path we will feel isolated/left out. On the plus side, we’d have more space in our tiny house, and we’d be more financially stable.

I think it could be ok, I just don’t want to live my life in disappointment. And so far that’s what this year of ttc has been. I want to know I could live a good live just the two of us. And I think, I’m 38 and I haven’t had a child yet and my life has been good, so why wouldn’t it?

It feels like expectation ruins everything. If I could stop expecting pregnancy I wouldn’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. If it’s not going to happen I want to move on and focus on other things in life. Is anyone here? I’m not to the point of moving on like I said, but I’m starting to want to time box this attempt for my own sanity.