I want a hug so bad

That's all, I just want a hug. If a girl hugged me I think I'd break down crying. I just want so bad for someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But I cant have that and I'm just so weird and awkward that I never will. I just feel like I need to do this. I'm constantly on the verge of breaking down but I cant even cry. Thinking about suicide calms me down and I want to end everything so bad. I'm tired of life, I have no motivation to so anything, it feels sometimes like there's something wrong with me cuz I just don't act normal. I know I'm just rambling and this is structured terribly but I don't really care. There's a bridge near me that I want to walk to and jump from. I feel like that would be best cuz I don't want my family or friends to find my body.