The feeling doesn't go away does it

It feels like for as long as I've been alive I've wanted to die. Yeah yeah I know that sounds edgy but I have vivid memories of dreaming about dying and fantasizing about getting in situations where I died way back from like 2nd grade. I remember my first attempt was in 4th grade. I got one of those silica gel packets and ate all the little beads inside it. (Okay yes I realize now that it's not lethal but little me had no idea and I was convinced I'd die). My second attempt was in 8th grade when I purposefully dropped the hairdryer into the bath. I was so convinced this would work but it just didn't. The next time I was in 10th grade and I took like 20 pills but sadly woke up fine the next morning. And those are only the actual attempts, I've gotten close to doing it so many times. The amount of nooses I've tied, times I snuck pills, snuck sharp objects. I'm on 60mg of fluoxetine per day and yet I still feel this way. I go to therapy every week but it's barely helped. I want so bad to just end it and get away from everything. Just the thought of no worries and no anxiety among other things just fills me with bliss and I cant help but breath a sigh of relief. I've had a lot of people tell me that it'd a permanent solution to a temporary problem but it just has never felt temporary. It sounds like the perfect solution and I need to do it for real this time.