Sometimes I feel like suicide is my destiny

I don’t know when or where it’s gonna happen. I’ve been thinking about suicide since I was about 9. Multiple times in a year I will go through a phase where it feels like it is my only option and the way that I’m supposed to go.

I don’t think I’m supposed to live a long life, somehow I make it to each year but I just can’t picture myself continuing on especially into adulthood. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the guts to do it but it feels like I’m stuck.

I’ve been mentally ill my whole life and I keep finding distractions and reasons to stay, but I still feel like this is how my life will end.