Mixed feelings after first session

I had my first esketamjne session today. Even tho I knew what to expect, it was very intense. In the end, I have mixed feelings about it.

On one side I felt kind of relieved that it felt so strong. I thought “Finally I’m getting some real medication as I should, not some ssri”. It’s not a fake treatment.

But on the other end the experience itself was not really positive. A lot of negative emotions came out.

It almost felt like a near death experience, I felt like I was going somewhere peaceful, but I quickly came back to the real world and felt pretty bad.

I’m concerned because I heard one of the most common benefit is SI reduction. But during my session it felt like this feeling was almost amplified, like I wanted to sleep and not wake up.

I tried to be positive, but in the end I feel 0 extra motivation or reduction of fears. Is this normal? Should I continue? Can this be different in the next sessions?