I protected myself instead of the other victims and it's killing me

I know this sub is about workplace harassment, but after reading through most of this thread, I feel like this is a pretty amazing open space, so I hope it’s okay to share. It’s a bit traumatic every time I go back to it so I just want to type it out quickly and not worry too much about how it comes across.

My first boyfriend in high school was manipulative/controlling/emotionally abusive/coercive in regards to sexual intimacy, how I dressed, my makeup, etc. 

Years later I learn through a friend of a friend that he had VIOLENTLY assaulted and SA'd multiple women, being charged and even convicted but essentially let off easy by judges through fancy lawyering.

He had been diagnosed with bipolar as a teen and would later be in a near-death car accident. He used the accident as an excuse to explain a "behaviour shift" that, coupled with his mental illness, led him to commit violence against his partners, "he couldn't help it" type of thing

His partners before his accident all know this is far from the truth, the seed of his behaviour was there from the beginning. I had second-hand knowledge that he would hit a previous girlfriend in front of his friends "as a joke" long before the accident.

I was asked by a friend of a friend to give report to police about my experience dating him to show that his accident did not lead to some new violent and abusive behaviour to make a conviction and sentence finally stick, get her and others justice.

Initially I wanted to because I want to help women. I consider myself a feminist. A riot grrrrl type more so maybe. I know I got off easy compared to his later victims.

Talking to the investigator in charge of this woman's case, I was told I would have to contact my local police. I don't even live where I did when I dated him. Local police said I would have to go in and give a statement, or they could come to my house.

I did NOT want them coming to my house, nor did I want to sit and wait in a police station until someone was ready for me. I was not able to make an appointment.

I also did not want to sit there and make a list of all the things he did when we were together. Were they even crimes? Overall, not really. This was a pre Me Too culture. Consent was not discussed like it is now. It was "normal" to pressure girls until they "gave in" at the time.  

I didn't necessarily not want to do some things with him either, but just maybe on a slower timeline. It's hard being a teen and figuring this all out. I don't even regret anything, really, just maybe wished it was different. Ultimately, the experience helped me grow and mature in a way. 

I decided against giving a statement. I know that another girl who dated him before me ended up giving one. I didn't want to go through telling a stranger, a cop at that, things that happened 20+ years ago. When his latest crimes were shown to me in the newspaper, and I was asked to make a statement, all these past experiences and feelings flooded me again, and I felt very vulnerable. I felt dumb that I was with him at all, even though I was a teenager just wanting her first boyfriend. I felt guilty that I wasn't helping out. I thought I was braver than that. I don't know if I'll ever really be "over" my experience. I've never had therapy for it. Maybe I should.

The girl who asked me to make a statement eventually said it was ok if I was uncomfortable, that she never meant to pressure me into doing anything, that whatever decision I made was ok. She did not want to coerce or guilt me into anything, just as he had. I felt relieved and thanked her for understanding.

The kid gloves treatment of him definitely dissuades me even further from wanting to give any statement.

What is it even to believe women blah blah blah but no consequences. Like why are women forced to retraumatize themselves to cops, investigators, at trial, perhaps in the media, for nothing to happen? I'd rather keep my peace.

An extremely dangerous person is constantly allowed to roam the streets, roam the internet, finding new victims. And as always, an secret network of women and victims have to spread the awareness of who is safe and who is not because we believe each other.

I don’t know if I made the right choice. I don’t want to really think about it anymore but I can’t really stop thinking about it. 

Thanks for taking the time out to listen to my story. If anyone out there can relate I’m sorry you can.