I FEEL NOTHING FOR MY 3 1/2 YO

Okay so my son was in the hospital the 1st 14 months of his life and I was there with him every step of the way (he has multiple health issues from being born prematurely). Once he came home from the hospital I had struggled to provide for him but we had a 2 bedroom apartment and I worked 2 jobs and paid for private babysitting since he could not go to daycare due to his medical needs. I started having issues with babysitters taking care of my son and lost both of my jobs due to inconsistent sitters and such. I turned to doing illegal things to be able to provide for us as a single mother with no help or support from anyone. I got arrested by US Marshals for Human Smuggling not long after his 2nd birthday. While I was in federal custody things were hard for me since I was away from my son and it really messed with me mentally, I was constantly worried about him and very depressed. CPS had open a case and gotten involved and they gave me a choice to voluntarily terminate my parental rights over my son and they would not be involved if I have future children unless there was something that would happen or have them terminate my rights and any future children would be taken from me. I ended up voluntarily terminating my rights and trying to kill myself after I signed the CPS paperwork. My parents have been trying to adopt my son since I was arrested and CPS has gotten involved. They are currently in the process of getting him and should have him home with them within the next few weeks. They keep pushing the subject of my son on me and trying to get me involved with him once they get him. I keep trying to shut down all conversations and even “joke” that he has a new mommy and daddy and that he doesn’t need me, how legally by law I’m his new sister and such things.. I literally have cried, been depressed, tried to kill myself, and have felt every single emotion I could feel while I was incarcerated and when I lost him it broke my heart, but now I feel nothing. I don’t hate him, but I just don’t feel anything towards him anymore and want nothing to do with helping my parents raise him.