my mental health is screwed

man I cant do this anymore. I am a dropper and scoring around 122 marks in 23s1. last year toh 140 marks the, this year I had better preperation but my marks are even lesser. I accept it that I fucked up on the D-day. I am in a ldr and there are so many communication issues between me and my bf. Idk what do man. mentally im so exhausted. padhne ka mann hi nai ho rha. i have adm in 2 foriegn unis and abhi visa bhi banne wala hai but i really want to stay in india. but all the pressure is just eating me up from inside and i just do this anymore. everyday i try to feel motivated and start but nai ho rha ab. i feel dead from inside. i get so many suicidal thoughts everyday and its not healthy. i have started imagining my death. i dont feel unconditional love from anyone in my life. there is no one to tell em thats it ok if i failed and they would still love me the same. why the fuck is this the ground reality of my life. why am i made to satisfy everyone's expectations and if i cant im blamed for every wrong thing thats happening in their life. my brother is in 6th and topped in nso , and my mother keeps taunting me ki i cant clear jee while my brother is doing so good already. i cant bear it anymore. im just a girl. i cant fucking deal with so many expectations at once. the urge to end my life is so fucking real