The experience of being bottom of the barrel.

I was in class and I told this guy that I liked his backpack because he had like some pins of this anime that I liked and he just looked at me and flat out ignored me and I feel like at that moment I realised, wow, so this ugliness thing goes deeper than just romance because all I did was show kindness, I was just trying to make a friend and that bounced back right in my face but yeah, I feel like if I am not white, blonde, or pretty, I am never going to have a chance with anything or anyone in any kind of way.

At 19 people might say oh I’m still young and that I have plenty of time in my life but this is already happening to me. 19 years old is old enough to get to that point in your life where you’re like “oh no.” And realise you’re fucked. That’s the stage I’m in. 20 is around the corner, you’ve yet to ever find a guy interested in you or pay attention to you in any sort of way and teen love never stepped foot near you. When I was 16 it was all fun and games like oh ha ha, I’m gonna be lonely forever, but now it’s more real. I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life so I’m trying very hard to accept it day by day but it’s so hard to just be okay with it.

Never being first choice, constantly being lonely and the absence of feeling desired has had physical effects on me like I get chest pains when I’m really feeling the loneliness.

This stuff is scary man.