Please read all, because I need your help

Praised be Jesus Christ. (Such a Christian greeting from my country - Poland). I want to tell you something. I grew up and I'm probably still growing up, because I'm only 18 years old and I'm in my final year of high school in a Christian family (Catholic, I'll just add there). Things haven't always been good for me, my father drinks a lot, my mother is resentful, she gets angry easily and sometimes takes it out on us, I have an older brother who is also choleric, he gets into fights easily, he's a bully, so to speak. And I'm not very pretty, quite chubby, I'm not a genius like my brother (his IQ test score was around 130, 133-134, I think), I was bullied in primary school and the class took it out on me when their teacher caught them doing something because they said that since my mother was also a teacher, she used to work at our school, so I have to find out who smoked cigarettes, who was dating whom, etc. I had a very bad experience, I had suicidal thoughts, even long after I finished primary school and started high school.

As a child, I only had nightmares or nothing at all. And these are strong nightmares, such as the fact that I am alone at home with my brother and something, such as a donut keychain from Orbit (do you still remember it), kills me and my brother, even though I hid earlier. Later I stopped having any dreams. Until one day, it happened this year, I don't remember if I prayed for anything before that dream, maybe. But the dream was like this: I'm in my high school and suddenly I have a voice in my head (this is important, because since the torment I haven't had anything like the voice of the Guardian Angel, the Holy Spirit, etc., you probably know what I mean, the voice that says you that you have to do something that does not come from you, I have not had a conscience for many years, and I do not remember that the Lord ever answered my questions), coming back: this voice he tells me that I should take some people (he gave their names) and I should go outside with them, I only remember that one of these people was a classmate. And when we left, we saw God descending from Heaven, on a cloud, approaching us, probably the Father, not the Son, but I could be wrong. And it wasn't anything scary, there was no lightning, no screams, etc. Then I woke up, I thought it was an ordinary dream, but my heart was literally awake, it was pounding a lot, but at the same pace, not like during a heart attack or something, maybe it was the elevated heart rate that people in love have (duh, I've never liked anyone in my life). in this respect) and I still remembered most of this dream, I only forgot the names of most of them, and I am not sure about the Person from Trinity, I described my dream to a religious group from my country.

Many people said it was a gift from God, and that's fine, but the problem is that I don't feel any love, I don't have a conscience, I don't have that inner voice when I read the lives of saints and even some converts, e.g. Jesus saved before the New Age, they all experienced God's love, heard Him. I don't listen to Him, I heard Him only once more, in a troubled dream in which He told me 'don't sin' when I asked Him what I should do. But what specific sins are we talking about? I am an irritated person, I get irritated easily, I can burst into anger, I suffer from stress, and I often forget about prayer out of laziness or fatigue, which was probably the point. I try to fight it, but I can't. At the beginning I have a lot of enthusiasm, which I lose due to the pace of my life, caused by studying for the high school leaving exam "matura". After this dream about high school, I was still on a pilgrimage to the Marian sanctuary in Czestochowa.

It was there that I cried for the first time in front of the altar, I literally cried when I prayed, I also cried during confession, and since then I cry when I say the name of the Savior in prayer or when I pray sometimes. When I listen to these conversion stories, I also sometimes cry. But I still feel far from God, I don't hear His voice, He doesn't answer my prayers, even when I ask what I should do, or how I should dress for church (I was in such dilemma from listening to ultra-traditionalists), and I still don't hear His voice. Lord, I still have no conscience, none of my prayers seem to ever come true.

What should I do? I am afraid that God has not chosen me for the Book of Life, that it will turn out that I have failed Him, that I will not stand with Him at His second coming, that I will never be a saint, even though I even though once, when I was little and I found out that there is no Saint Alice (that's my name, my mother or catechist told me to become one), actually everyone in heaven is a saint, but I don't feel like I deserve heaven , because I am not perfect like the saints, who were either very pious from childhood, or their Lord He converted, they experienced His presence and were able to perform miracles thanks to His grace. And the people converting now, when I listen and read their testimonies, they experience the presence of God, they feel love, they have visions. I don't have anything like that.

I know that envying another person's grace from God is a sin, but I am afraid of being condemned because it will turn out that I will never be able to gain the grace of heaven, to deserve God's love and His presence in my life. Especially since now there is so much talk that the Lord's second coming is near, and some NDEs say that it will be soon (well, we don't know how long it is in human terms, but you know what I mean) when I talk about my dilemmas to a priest during confession , this tells me that I need to calm down and that the relationship with God is not only about emotions and experiences, but also about saints and people This is what converts look like. I really don't know what to do. Could someone from the group pray for me? I would like God to look at such a sinner as I am, who is now crying as I write this post, afraid that I am constantly failing the Lord and that it will turn out that the Lord will say that he never knew her. .