Does your medication make you feel flat? I can't cry, I barely laugh.

I've been stable for almost a year now. However I feel like I miss the impulsive, fun me. Yes I would spend lots of money. Yes, I would cry a lot at the slightest thing. But, I would laugh. Now, I almost feel like if someone threw a brick at my head I wouldn't care. I don't get angry over anything anymore, it all slides off. I don't have strong opinions on anything. I'm very docile. I don't stand up for myself. Vegetated. I'm on three different medications. A mood stabiliser, an antipychotic, and an antidepressant. When people make jokes, even if funny, I don't laugh, I just stay quiet and stare at them. I dissociate and tune out a lot as well. I feel like the joy has been sucked out of me.

My boyfriend doesn't seem to mind how I am. He's happy that I'm stable, but honestly I feel like everyday is groundhog day. I understand why he's happy though. I went through a really bad depressive episode last year followed by a manic one. But I feel just like I'm floating through life.

The only time I feel truly alive is when I seadip. I haven't done that in months.

The problem is this is my last year of college so my pyschriatric team are very reluctant to change any of my medication. I currently have an overdue assignment that I have no interest in doing. My drive is gone. I feel too relaxed most of the time. I did feel a little down this week when I forgot to take my medication, but I refrained from taking my medication when I remembered. I wanted to sit in the sad feeling and journal about it. Only when I was feeling really shit did I actually take my medication.

Do you feel flat? Medicated? Vegetated? Do you cry anymore? Do you laugh?