Anyone else get desperately enamoured with the idea of having friends but dislike the reality of it?

Maybe it’s the dislike of change and anything outside of my daily routine, but I go through spurts of desperately craving friends, making some form of effort to make said friends, then changing my mind.

I get so lonely at times because I am deeply unsatisfied with my life and get jealous of people I see out with their friends and loved ones (not truly jealous, just a deep seated heartache knowing I don’t have that). I feel like I’ll never truly experience genuine human connection. I think I’ve used fiction as an escape for so long that reality has become disappointing.

The only friends I’ve ever had had been due to proximity. Friends because we go to school together, friends because we’re in the same extracurricular, and now, friends because we work together. I have never been the one to make friends, other people have to approach me first. It’s hard to distinguish if we’re even friends or just acquaintances.

Adulthood has made friendships even more difficult. I thoroughly enjoy my hobbies and alone time, but I do nothing but work or sit at home. I do not drive, so that adds another level of difficulty.

I’ve tried Bumble BFF so many times, but I’m still unable to connect. I just end up not answering any messages because it’s too much work. I do not trust easily but I want to share. I crave that companionship and intimacy without having to build it. I don’t think there is a human alive that is capable of being what I want.

It’s not an issue with anyone else, it’s just me, but it’s still hard to feel so lonely but not want to be around anyone.

I have my family and my partner and I love them and I am immensely grateful for them, but it’s not the same as a friend. I have no one else to talk to, and even if I did, I wouldn’t know what to say or do.