Broke up with my Q today. I'm absolutely crushed but I know it's for the best.

Hey everyone. I don't normally post stuff in reddit or anything like that, but today was a pretty big day and i just wanted to document my experience and feelings over the years and maybe ask for any perspective if you feel inclined go read the whole thing. It's a lot so I don't expect many to reach the end, and that's no problem at all.

I started dating my partner around 9 years ago. We were fresh out of highschool, and in love and thought the world was ours. I was quirky, quick-witted, a chatterbox and just all around loved hanging out with people. He was funny, and daring, and always knew how to brighten up a room. I used to visit him a lot at his house when we first started dating, and I integrated into his family pretty well. This went on happily for a couple of years until his mom started treating me very coldly and making off handed remarks to me in front of him, but when he wasn't paying attention. She would say stuff like " Let's take a family picture!" And then everyone would gather around and she'd look at me and say "Oh family only. Not you :)" I would bring it up to my partner and he would say stuff like "she was just kidding! That's her sense of humor, you're looking way too much into it."

It kept going and kept going and obviously it didn't feel great. I wasn't raised in the healthiest dynamic either so I didn't feel like I could ever voice my opinion of how it made me feel to her. It just was out of the question for me. Eventually his younger sister by a couple of years started getting really close to him, and always wanting to sit with him, and she would bring her friend around and they'd quietly mock me and the way I acted. His mom would get drunk and call me a freak with a weird eye contact problemto her friends and it honestly made me feel so out of place in my own skin. I still struggle with hiding

The whole situation had been extremely confusing, hurtful, and quite honestly, really traumatic. For a couple of years now they had acted like I was welcome and a joy to be around.  

Well after about a year of that, my self worth and self-identity had suffered greatly. I was a shell of a person, and was terrified of even hanging out with my best friends. His mom would get drunk and call me a freak to her friends and it honestly made me feel so out of place in my own skin. I still struggle with holding any kind of eye contact, and it's made making friends and being around people very difficult.

Eventually I set a boundary and refused to go over there anymore. His family would always try to act super inviting and disappointed that I wouldn't go over anymore and my boyfriend lowkey resented me for it.

This led to a ton of other fights and problems and he eventually turned to cheating and drinking. Why I didn't immediately cut him off is so beyond me, but I stuck with him for years. Despite all of the late night alcohol-scavenger-hunts, and constant worry over what he was doing.

Well today I finally reached a breaking point during an argument. He said he was going to grab more alcohol and I told him I didn't want him too and needed for him to resolve this with me without alcohol. He left anyway so I told him it was over and started packing his stuff.

Things have never been so final between us and the feeling is so bittersweet. I didn't do a great job of making him look good, but Ive always felt a genuine love there. Sometimes it just isn't enough for some people I guess.

I'm devastated that I lost my partner. I'm sad that in spite of losing myself, I stayed with him and we still broke up years later. I'm scared for him. I don't think he'll ever change and I know he's a good person. It's still in there somewhere.

I guess after reflecting on this I would just say be very careful of where you put your energy. Please protect yourself first. Even if you think the world of someone. You could end up forever altered, and still alone at the end of it. Please make sure your partner has your interests in mind too. Even if they're a great person and you love them. I can't stress enough how important it is to protect yourself.