Having a moment for the sake of my children

New to AlAnon. So I know I haven’t scratched the surface of all the things there are to learn. But it feels like I’m out of time or need the information download asap.

I have a 2 year old and 4 month old and my Q is my husband. I have carried the load of primary caregiver since my partner is inconsistent with his emotional availability, being present, a consistent father figure. But I’m loosing my mind over here. I’ve been going to therapy for 2 years now and something I’ve learned is that over time I adapted to having no needs or feelings to cope with my upbringing and everyday life. It’s how I survive. But with that came numbness and depression. I’ve learned that I have to advocate for myself and speak my needs. And now that I am doing that more with my husband, he does not meet my requests. He hardly even responds sometimes. The most he’s ever responded was “thank you for telling me.” But usually it’s silence or “okay.” Ultimately, what I care most about, is the children. And their emotional well being. My Q is not abusive at all, but agressive in nature at times. His tone, his presence can be dominating. And like I said, unpredictable. My daughter has told me she is scared of daddy, which breaks my heart. He is not a bad person. But does have a lot of anger and saddness. When she hears him coming down the stairs she runs to me and says, “oh! Daddy is coming…” She is incredibly emotional and has lots of needs. I have read several books on parenting and am really trying to raise her in a more emotionally literate environment than her dad and I. But it takes two. I have asked him countless times to read one of the books I read that really digs into all the areas we are struggling with our daughter. But he just plain ignores me. It’s all too much for him… I want a partner, someone on my team in guiding our daughter through her emotions. I want to set up a strong foundation for her. I know he is being triggered by just about everything she and our baby does. Our baby will be crying and he will tell him, “to figure it out.” He’s 4 months. He cannot. I’m at my ends wit. Our relationship is incredibly sad right now. That’s its own problem. But the effects this is all having on our kids is my biggest concern. My husband is starting his journey to sobriety, but he doesn’t talk about it much. I don’t know how many days, where his mind and heart are at. It’s been a roller coaster getting here. The reasons for sobriety were because he needed surgery. But now he’s learned he doesn’t need it. So where does this leave his sobriety journey? He’s doing SMART. It’s all too soon for me to abandon. But I’m also drowning and am not having my needs met. And it’s as if I cannot ask him for more. And when I have he’s told me “I have 35 different running thoughts in my head at once,” and is too overwhelmed for my needs. I’ve gone to two AlAnon meetings and will continue. Thank you for reading.